I had a hemorrhage of emotions this morning. It began because of a combination of not enough sleep and sitting in math class for an hour and 15 minutes. I was failing at trying to pay attention, thinking about how I have a test on Tuesday, and getting angrier by the minute. By the time I walked out of that class, I was in a mood that was a mixture of what you feel before you go absolutely ape-shit, or what you feel before you run from your life to travel the country, become a ski bum or flee to (insert city here) to chase your dream. I am not the kind of person who is brave enough or irrational enough(Depending on how you look at it) to flee from my life. And I'm already in the city where I'd like to chase after my dreams, so I have no desire to leave. But this did bring on a lot of realizations for me(Thanks to my best friend, and a strange yet uplifting nap/daydream in the library)
I am a college student(Yes, shocking) As much as my mind resists it and wants to be a writer, I can't keep fucking giving into that want. I have a scholarship to maintain, I have parents to not disappoint; this is real life, there are real responsibilities. I know that it's the main thing I think about, and it's all that I want to work towards, but that just can't be my life right now. I know that I want a hell of a lot more from my life-and I've realized that I want it regardless if I'm depressed, content, or in the grey area in between-but I need to be patient in it happening. Every one has bad time periods in their life. Even if I just got over one that lasted for 2 years, and started my life over in hopes of a great time period-doesn't mean I was guaranteed that great time period. The universe doesn't go "Hey, this person has dealt with enough unhappiness, let's give them euphoria for awhile."I'm better than I was, but I still want more, and I'm going to want more until I gain the knowledge and tools to be able to start getting it.
My biggest problem is that I put an extraordinary amount of pressure on myself. I drive myself to the brink of insanity by doing so. Today I realized just how horrible I am to myself. It's haunting how against myself I have been. All I do is make myself feel bad. I have made myself believe that I am worthless, awkward, insignificant, stupid, ordinary, uninteresting and nasty. My transition to college has really damaged the relationship I have with myself. I can't believe how easily I've gotten into the pattern of being my own worst enemy. I'm the person who needed to believe in myself the most during this time period, and I'm the one who's been trying to destroy myself. All of the negative things I've felt towards myself built up and exploded today, and I feel a sense of release. I can't be so disgusting to myself anymore. That portion of my college life is over. I'm so young-I can't expect myself to save the world. I'm a real human, with real feelings, and real obstacles. I can't contemplate constantly and expect myself to be able to write something genuine and inspiring every night. I'm not capable of it. I was beating myself up because I do "nothing" to work towards my writing career, but my mind and my emotions have been working full-time, and they are exhausted. Not being happy isn't fun, but it sucks less if I'm not telling myself what a useless person I am and utilizing my mind until it's debilitated.
Writing is still the most important thing to me, I will never stop working towards it, and I know I'm capable of living out my dream; I'm just done allowing my mind to relentlessly distract myself from reality . I'm done caring about not feeling like I'm "doing enough", whether it be in my schoolwork, writing, relationships; or anything. I'm done making myself feel bad about every single thing that happens, I have no reason to. I started college less than two months ago, and I'm living in Manhattan. This isn't supposed to be easy, why is it so hard for me to understand that? This is supposed to be hard, and conflicting, and disorienting. I'm in the place where people work like dogs to progress in their dream careers, and I observe them and feel the enormous desire to be one of them constantly. I'm going to be one of them, I just need to give myself some time. I'm a special human being, and I need to start believing it. I genuinely care about this, and about people and trying to help them-and that's important. I want to do a lot of good, and that passion isn't a waste.
I've thought and written this so many times, but I'd really like for it to stick this time. Sorry me, I know you've grown accustomed to this, but you can't keep ruining yourself. You don't deserve it.
No comments:
Post a Comment