I am lighting incense and candles when I realize - I am home having an emotional hissy fit. Many of these "episodes" have been in public, at a job, etc. But this one, I am at home, completely in control of my surroundings. So I try to make them more pleasurable to help.
It was almost like I was willing it into happening, maybe I knew it would. I have been working on this editing test for a job I really did want when I finished my phone interview last Friday. I felt the familiar but always surprising jubilance of having a good conversation with a person I felt simpatico with, leaving me feeling like there was a spark of a chance I could get this job. The edit test hits my inbox the following Tuesday because of MDW. So I give myself Tuesday to just ignore it and go about surviving the Tuesday after Memorial Day. Yesterday I dig into it, and of course I am immediately overwhelmed. There are multiple parts, okay fine, I get it. There are templates that need to be duplicated. Every single new piece of direction just puts me into a tailspin. I start thinking about AP style and SEO and headline character counts and keywords and "voice" and I just want to throw up. And I wonder if I even want this job at all, or if I'm cut out for it. My confidence from Friday has completely deflated.
A writing test is not a writing test as it used to be. (From what I would assume, based on extensive knowledge gained from reading about half a dozen books written about the publishing industry before '93, the year I was born.) I yearn for the days when I could've become a fact checker at a decent publication in a much simpler and faster way. (Although I have heard being a fact checker was kind of a nightmare and I hate talking on the phone with strangers.)
So Wednesday I just kind of get my bearings, and force myself to just put any words down for each of the 3 pieces, even if it is crap. I spend 2 hours on it. Today I open it up, and it looks like shit to me. Like a child did it. The last piece is an "editing piece" but it isn't like this normal test where you would just look for grammatical errors, it's like all of these sneaky things you're supposed to pick up on and it is making me actually Insane. So I do my best with that, because if there's anything I enjoy, it's editing (not sarcasm, it gives me a sense of control). But I'm looking at it again and that too seems like I only picked up on the obvious things, and the rest of my edits could be useless crap that means nothing.
I have PTSD from the last edit test I did, and I have brought it's baggage with me into this one. It was for a cheese company I truly love and admire, a job I wanted so badly, had great interviews for - and the final step came to the editing test. I gave it my all - I was actually proud of myself for what I turned in. I thought, writing is my strong suit, especially over talking and interviewing - how could I not kill this? But I didn't get the job, and it crushed me obvs. It may not have been the editing test at all, but the ever-common, you don't have enough experience in [enter industry here]. I get that one a lot. I feel trapped in a cage when I am trying to branch out, but everyone just wants an expert in their specific field.
Then I get a text from my father about one of those irritating things that keeps coming up that you have to attend to and then something specifically happens with it and it just sends you into a tailspin? I.e, me and my father share the same apple account and it is a nightmare. I have deleted nudes of myself off of his ipad. (That he didn't see. I think..) And now he informs me he is getting my text messages.And I've had enough with this, so I just sign out of the apple ID, thinking fuck it, I don't care if everything on my phone goes away, JUST ENOUGH OF THIS HELL.
So I go into full hyperventilating crying, my mom actually notices and she is sweet and asks if I'm okay but steers clear of me once I let her know. It is like everything is pouring out at once. How will I ever get another job? Will I ever be able to support myself, not make 30K a year, move out? I wouldn't be able to do it without a partner anyway which is yet another thing. I feel like my job is just making me mediocre, no useful skills that would apply to any other position - no way out of here. I feel like a loser with nothing. I finish up a work task through tears while sitting outside. I take an edible, a klonopin and go to my room to smoke and cry and just give myself a break from my laptop screen. I just let myself cry and cry and cry, because of course it does feel good even though it feels scary. All of my anxieties, fears, dreads are just pouring out, along with a deep sadness I have never been able to shake.
It takes an hour for me to get out of it. It's been awhile since I've had once, so it makes me feel like a failure when I do. Like I'm not as well as I thought, like any progress is all a sham. I flash back to the proud moments of me telling my psych I haven't had one in a long time. I'm anxious because I need more klonopin and I'm anxious because I take klonopin and I am afraid of dependency, of it becoming a "problem." Weed as well. I don't know if I'm just doing what is best for me or slowly descending into something worse.
Now it's noon and I'm very tired from all of it. I will send the edit test in, no matter how bad I believe it is - I'll know I did my best. And I have to believe that something new and good could always be around the corner, that could change my life.
