I Hope I'm Not Too Late to Set My Demons Straight

         I'm in a mood I can't really put a name on. I take a hit of my weed pen and when I get to my desk I put on a playlist of all my favorite moody R&B songs that could make me cry. Why am I feeling so emotional. "I don't want to date anymore." runs through my head. It is not a definite declaration, but a feeling. Why do I find this pursuit so draining? I go into it looking for love, and end up in a variety of situations that never meet what I actually want. I'm now far away from the last guy that I'm romanticizing him. I'm lonely and horny enough that I'm considering casual sex just to get it out of my system. At the core of it, I just feel this deep sadness over how difficult it has been for me to find the relationship I've seemingly been looking for since a child. And that in itself is a problem, no? If a 5 year old girl has a crush on a boy, is that because something is lacking in her own interpersonal relationships? 

         I just went to a Kendrick concert, so I have a bunch of his prophetic lyrics swimming through my head. I admire so deeply the vulnerability he expresses that reflect the human condition and the pain that can come along with it so perfectly. 

        I've been thinking about my short dating life, the men I've met and resented and been infatuated with. How I've been trying to work on myself, so I can be a person deserving of the healthy love I desire. I don't even know if it's possible. For me. And that makes me sad in a deep place. I've had therapists tell me countless times that you don't need to be a certain type of person to be in a romantic relationship, to have a partner in life. But it has been so difficult for me, to find a person that actually fits, that it begins to feel impossible and improbable. 

       So I see-saw between being prideful of my single status, how much I love being by myself, not having to account for someone else's time in my life, how I am so "strong" for going through life without depending on a partner; and the loneliness. The craving for intimacy. I feel like a fool for thinking I can find someone "nice" and "normal" when I don't even know if I'd be ready for that person if they presented themselves to me. 

      Do I let the 23-year-old personal trainer who doesn't give head come to my house later? TBD. 

      I should probably just go to yoga...right?