The Impossible Dater

I'm driving to work crying, heaving, yelping - very dramatic crying. I wonder why I always have to act this way; why am I so sensitive, why am I so emotional. So far I have had 10 mg of edibles, but nothing is kicking in. I'm just crying, crying, crying. I think about money I've spent on skincare in the past couple of weeks (my new self-care initiative) all for my progress to be ruined by one of these crying fits...what a waste. At least my expensive face wash should help my skin recover from this. 

I'm 15 mins away from work and realize I need to fix this monster, she cannot be seen in public. So I chew on a klonopin as I do in times like this. When I can't get my emotions under control. The only time I feel this way is from depression and heartbreak. But depression breaks your heart in its own ways; so they could be said to be one and the same.

I just found out that the person I have nothing with is seeing someone. Fucking instagram tagged photos. I miss when ignorance was attainable.

I know it isn't just one feeling but it is a culmination of feelings, especially after the past month I had. After he gently let me down that we could no longer have sex to save the friendship, I jumped head first into dating. Even though that seems relatively stupid and dangerous in these times. I needed to destroy my feelings for this person at all costs, and I desperately wanted a distraction. Well I got it! The nice guy who rubbed my stomach at the bar of a Texas Road House while I drank big blue moons, then poorly fingered me in the parking lot while I watched a family eat dinner through the window. The guy with the disgusting beard who I fucked who literally ripped up my vagina with his thick ass cock. (Rappers always brag about "tearing that pussy up" but that shit hurts! Vaginal tears are a bitch. I'm sure many women have had to withstand painful urination because some dude had to 'beat that shit up.') Then told me he didn't see a "romantic relationship coming our way." Cool bro. So at this point my pussy hurts, I'm not having orgasms, I still feel empty - why am I doing this? I tell my fuck buddy I don't want to have casual sex anymore, and it feels amazing. You forget how good it feels to do what you actually want. Then one last guy I've been barely talking to on an app for a month finally wants to come over at a normal time of night. I just want to meet him just so I know I didn't "miss out." We make out to the new Jaden Smith album and I feel like I'm in High School, I have my period so we can't have sex - never hear from him again. Two thumbs up.

So at this point I'm like fuck dating, this is a shit show. Then when I wake up in the middle of the night at 3 AM, I stumble upon this cute, couple-y photo?! Who the fuck is this? How long has this been going on? I just saw you last night at dinner. I thought you were working on your mental health, I thought it would take you awhile to find someone...I thought you were having as hard a time as I am.

It's never me. It just blares in my head. It is impossible for me to be in a relationship. This girl, he can do it with. Can put on his slacks and boat shoes and pose for a picture in front of a grass wall. Not for me. I've known the majority of the time I've known him...how can this hurt so much AGAIN? It's astonishing to me. I've had at least 2 other of these "devastations" this summer due to him. I think I'm done with it, I'm good, and it happens again. And this one hurts the most.

I'm thinking about all of the cute things they get to do together. Fall is coming, "spooky season!" my birthday...the holiday season. Never would have been me. Yeah, great. Have the best time at the pumpkin patch. 

I'm thinking about how he's eating her pussy now...I cry a little harder and I actually smile through tears at that one - it's nice to still be able to hold onto a semblance of humor in these moments. 

I get to work and the edibles are kicking in, I feel very different from the person I was 10 minutes ago. I feel like I'm walking weird - must not let on that I am drugged. Must get through the day like normal person. I'm listening to Travis Scott because I consider him neutral, not emotionally triggering. I'm finding his music to be an anti-depressant. All I want is to crawl into a big bed and live there. I'm so fucking tired of being tired.

I kind of hate that it takes these kind of moments to make me want to make a change, fueled by the desire to not have to feel like this ever again. But these tend to be profound moments for me. When I am feeling so excruciatingly unworthy, when all I want to do is dull the ache in my heart.