As I walk up to the house, I see that my boss' car isn't in the driveway, and I breathe a sigh of relief. There has been a lot of manic energy this week, and I just want to sit at my desk and adjust to the day in peace. I have the urge to write for once and I just want to get it out before I stop giving a shit, as I usually do. My whole life is just me giving too much of a shit or not a shit at all. I.e. this job. This week my boss decides he wants to dive head first into a rebranding for his site AND creating his own app. So we’ve been in Situation Room-mode, spending hours writing scripts for promotional videos, hashing out all of the details; and I find it draining. And I feel guilty about it, of course. For not being excited by his drive. I admire him for believing in his ideas; lord knows how many of my own that I’ve given up on or put on the back-burner. But it just feels like a lot at once and not really the time. We’re just barely getting over the effects of a pandemic and I’ve hit a groove in my new working-from-home-basement situation. He usually leaves me alone, I listen to music and vulgar comedy podcasts, get my work done, indulge in delicious lunches, and go home without having to do much interaction. It really works for an emotionally unstable person like me.
My therapist gave me a “homework assignment” to write about what my depression is, personified. At first I think of the cloud following the little dot with a face on it from the old Zoloft commercials, a memory I have from before I ever knew why someone would need to take an anti-depressant. I happen to be in the throes of a “depressive episode” so it’s a perfect time for me to mull this over. Sometimes it is just a dark day, sometimes a couple of days, weeks; it’s pretty unpredictable and I am exponentially tired of it, but what can I do? I’m trying to do all the solutions. I am the science experiment and I’m just waiting for something to be effective. It seems like it’s going to be a life-long thing.
Depression feels like everything is tinted to appear darker. I see the sun shining and I feel it on my body, but internally I feel cloudy and downtrodden. I feel more tired than usual, exhausted by the entire concept of a human existence, living in a body. I just want to sleep for a week or a month and then resume. Seeing if shutting down my mind will work. I am trying to figure out if I’ve allowed my depression to become too much of a part of me. I just expect it to be there now, as part of my personality, and days when I wake up and I feel a little lighter, I am pleasantly surprised. I don’t know how to separate myself from it, at this point; it has been 10 years. A big chunk of my life and young-adulthood. It ebbs and flows and I morph my perspective on how it appears to me. I know it isn’t always there, there are moments of joy and hope and passion and genuine excitement for living. At one point I felt as though all of these feelings had disappeared, never to return.
I’ve also just been feeling like, existential anxiety. I think I’m watching too much True Crime before bed. Just worrying about all of the bad things that could happen, imagining and ruminating on situations that haven’t happened. It’s stupid and emotionally draining. Why worry about something that hasn’t even happened?
But don’t worry, I’m worrying about things that have happened too! As I’m driving to work, I think about the text conversation I had with my friend last night. She gave me an ultimatum I’m not really comfortable with: but who ever likes ultimatums? I know she is just trying to help, be the strong perspective to my weak one…but the idea of doing what she said makes me cry. She wants me to give up on my “situationship” (Thanks K - my therapist) that I have been in for almost a year now, if he doesn’t come on a summer vacation I am planning with friends. I already know in my gut he won’t. He has no obligation to show up for me. We are not in a relationship and he has made it clear he doesn’t want to be in one, with me. But we started having sex again after many months of being platonic friends, and now I am feeling more feelings again.
I’m also having trouble coming during sex, which is a whole ‘nother problem I’m not in the mood to deal with. I’m realizing just how entrenched my emotions are with my orgasms. By myself, I can get the job done pretty easily. But during sex all of my emotional blocks come up, me trying not to care for him in a romantic way, trying to guard myself from getting hurt for the umpteenth time by this situation. And it’s annoying the fuck out of me. I enjoy the sex, but I still feel like I’m missing out on something. The elusive penetrative orgasm.
So I’m driving and I’m crying, wondering how I could ever give up on this person, stop seeing him weekly, stop receiving his texts; it makes me feel like the air has been sucked out from my lungs. Less than a year and I can’t imagine my life without him now. I want to cry now thinking about it. I just want to go home and lay in bed and cry. Hello depressive episode, thank you for joining us.
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