I have this picture in my mind of how my brain looks right now and I just see gaps. It is as if I can feel the dehydration of serotonin seeping into the abyss. I am nauseous and dizzy and the beloved brain zaps are back. But I am fully aware that they are nowhere near as severe as they have been in the past, and I should be grateful that I'm not vomiting everywhere, all the time. But it is still disheartening and scary. I don't want my brain to have to go through stuff like this. I don't want to have to go through stuff like this. I'm crying all over the place, at the movies and in my car when a shitty John Legend song comes on. I am finding all of these new tear-triggers I didn't even know I fucking had. All stemming from a seemingly endless vat of loneliness and fear.
I did not know I was going to be "this" person, and I don't even fully know who I am referring to. Basically I am talking about the bum-like creature I have developed into in my early 20's. The one who gets fired and quits, this person who can't create a life, who cannot move on- and it's all because of the chemicals in my head. I don't want to be one of these people. Which is fucked up to say, because that isn't fair; I am not the only one.
I thought differently of myself; I thought I could bare-knuckle it and get by. People support themselves in a mediocre fashion all the time. Mental illness is hidden and you can still hold a day job and live a life that looks okay from the exterior. I just wanted to have the basics and be able to get those things for myself. And I have none of them and it makes me feel like I have failed, and the reminders of that failure are everywhere. In my bank account and in the gaps on my resume, and in all of the rejection emails in my inbox; the ones that I don't even have to open anymore to know they are a No...the first sentence always tells you immediately.
It seems like everywhere I go people expect more of me than I am able to give. And I am judged or misunderstood so I am shown the door, or treated like I never even existed in the first place. You will feel invisible if you let yourself. If you let people who don't even fucking know you be the reason why you see yourself as "failure" and "unlovable." Someone who is not worth knowing and investing in.
I am just stuck as hell and I feel like my life is moving in slow motion. I am so tired of going to interviews with dead-eyed assholes who barely register as being older than me, to judge me from their pedestal of job-holder, while I am downtrodden mentally ill job-seeker. And you get to say so nonchalantly that you have been working at this company straight out of college. And I want to punch you in the fucking face, but instead I smile and do it in my head. You are not the first or the last.
I try to take action and go out on a limb and I end up back here. I don't know if I am making progress. Unfortunately, I still believe in all of this bullshit. In existing for a reason and living authentically. Even when it all feels like nothingness, like I am staring at a blank page hoping that when I turn to the next one there will be words on it. There will be an answer. I will keep doing all of the stupid stuff that only a young person can and will do because they blindly believe in themselves, even if it is only a sliver of belief. Because when I channel it it can feel very powerful, and I can almost convince myself that contentment and happiness are feelings I could be capable of experiencing in a stable way. I am tired of feeling like a science experiment, a social experiment; someone that exists just for other people to bounce off of and balance their own lives. I keep thinking about this quote Donald Glover says in Atlanta:
“I just keep losing. I mean, some people just...are supposed to lose? For balance in the universe? I mean, like, are there just some people on earth who...are supposed to be here just to make it easier for the winners?”
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