I'm a little pissed off, okay? I cannot figure out how to assimilate like people do. I was so close! So close. I was in an office at a normal stable tech company, where people were happy because they got a month of vacation days & free alcohol sometimes. It was a bullshit business but I began not to care. I can drink this Kool Aid! I began to be able to do normal things, like office bantering and not crying at company happy hour (I did that at the first one I went to). I felt a connection to an office, to a group of people; that I could be a part of something, like people do all the time. It felt miraculous. And then it was snatched away, poof. The nicest person at my company got the job I thought I was being positioned for. Seriously, this girl is so nice I can't even be mad! She is a ray of sunshine, always complimented me on my outfits (catnip for insecure people)...but that is besides the point.
The past almost year has been me trying to reroute myself and figure out what I'm going to do instead. I truly feel as though I'm in The Twilight Zone: What year did I graduate? How many jobs have I been fired from? Which were the ones I quit? How many times has a dream job vanished into the ether...
I put too much stock in this; this is the problem. I thought I was grooming myself to become a successful person; that is what college me truly hoped and believed. I couldn't bear the anxiety school increasingly gave me, and by the last semester I just started opting out of assignments because I was spent. I believed "There has to be something better than this..." I have tasted it and been close to it multiple times.
That is what kills. You got in the doorway, you're in the room! Don't they always say that showing up is the most important part? And no matter how defeated or angry or resentful I am of this whole situation (being unemployable) I take the yellow pill and I put a smile on my face and I DO WORK. Almost once a month, like clockwork, my mom will passively aggressively ask "Do you act like you want a job when you go into these interviews?" (Because my enthusiasm when she tries to irritatingly converse with me at 8 AM is representative of how I am all the time.) It is idiocy, so I usually say nothing, or in my own words "plead the fifth." I am trying to avoid the emotional grenades. It isn't easy but sometimes disassociation is a gift, because I know how to pull myself out of a moment and see it for what it really is. People are reflecting their shit on me and I can't blame them. I would be confused too. What the fuck is this girl doing? Is she even attempting to give a shit? I say a lot more nasty stuff to myself than this shit, but I don't want to write about that here.
I just want to admit that yes, I am not the best; but I'm trying my best. When I go into an interview, I am the best version of myself. Nervous, paranoid, benzo'd: but I slay in a room, okay? I like myself and I believe in myself and I am trying to fight for the future I want. And if that isn't good enough for someone, what exactly am I supposed to do? I am trying not to give into my insane impulses, OKAY? I am going after things but I am trying not to let myself get to a psychotic place. But who knows what the edge is anyway. I always feel like I am too close, yet this keeps going. I am on a fucking carousel. But a boring one that adults use (the LinkedIn of carousels), and includes a lot of phone conversations with strangers. Telling people intimate things about my goals and strengths and experiences, and then never hearing from them again. It is exhausting. I am already having enough of a hard time proving to myself that I am worth it. And I don't even know what "it" is. Yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment