Young people aren't expected to deal with our shit. We're expected to, and maybe we even expect ourselves to avoid the things that bother us. We're supposed to push it off to another time period in our life, deal with it later. I don't know how that turns out. I don't know if it makes it easier for you to enjoy yourself, or if it makes you turn into a person who is inauthentic and filled to the brim with unsolved problems.
I'm not good at avoiding stuff; my mind doesn't like it. I deal with the majority of my emotions, try to understand them, contemplate them...probably too much. But I don't really know how to turn this switch off. I like trying to evolve and pushing things to the back of my mind and 'saving them for later' feels poisonous to me. It never feels right.
But some days being a human gets hard and I don't want to deal with my emotions or myself. Some days I can't pick myself up, I just don't want to. I avoid what's bothering me while at the same time it very much weighs on me. It's an unhealthy thing. I let all of the bad flood through me and I decide I don't want to try and salvage my day. Positivity doesn't exist for awhile. I don't want to make the effort to try and fix whatever it is. I don't want to read quotes, or write, or daydream, or get excited about possibilities. I just want to wallow because I'm scared and I don't want to put in the energy to feel better. Then maybe I do that for a day or two, and then my mind wants to be positive again. Believe in my future. Believe in what I've done and what I have.
Some people have heavy issues in their lives that strike their core, and they have no idea what to do with them. Dealing with them is a terrifying thought and seems far too painful.
Sometimes relationships turn to absolute shit. People you love don't understand you, and somehow they're hurting you when they don't even realize they're doing it. Your personalities clash in the most violent way, and you feel like you're the only one bleeding from it. You change, they change, a situation changes; and it begins to eat away at you. You don't know what to do with things like that because you didn't expect for it to happen. But when do you ever expect for that to happen? Even when it's happened before. Every time it happens you think it's never going to happen again. You don't know why.
Sometimes you don't like the person you're becoming. Or you don't know if you like the person you're becoming. You can't tell if you're letting the bad outweigh the good. If you're doing enough for people and for yourself. If you're creating a future you're going to be proud of. But you avoid the negative stuff because it hurts, and even when you can be very good at hating yourself, you don't like hating yourself. You want to be on your side. That want can blur your vision sometimes and allow you to be someone you don't respect. It happens. You either let it continue or you learn from it.
Dealing with all of the intricate issues that occur internally can feel more difficult than any issue on this planet could be. We all have sentences that feel impossible to get out of our mouths. It is unreal how much vulnerability can terrify a person. How scared we are that one sentence is going to change how someone important to us feels about us, and in turn, how we feel about them. It's frightening to know that a sentence can be that powerful. Even a sentence we don't say out loud can be painful. When you're avoiding admitting something to yourself, and you finally allow yourself to say "I can't allow myself to be this person."
We all have things we don't want to face. But you need to at least work towards doing so. You can't let yourself become a person with a closet full of skeletons you fiercely pretend doesn't exist.
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