What i've learned in the past year.

                 I didn't want to write about my past year. Although I contemplate and try to make meaning out of most of my moments, I haven't been looking forward on trying to define this year as a whole. I guess because I feel conflicted towards 2011. I know I'm supposed to feel great or just good about it, but expected emotions never work out for me. But my mind has been far from stagnant this year; I've learned a lot.
                 I've learned that things don't usually make sense. People don't, you don't, your emotions don't. We stay authentic to ourselves, and it doesn't make people like us. We think we deserve something, and we don't get it. We try to do well in the things we hate and the things were passionate about, and end up not doing well in either. We allow ourselves to feel like nothing matters, when everything means so much. We feel the weight of how small we are in comparison to the world, and forget how meaningful we are to the people who have stuck by us. We watch people get things we thought we were going to get, and resent them for being able to. Things can start to make such little sense, that we just want to give up. Sometimes we do for awhile, but we pick ourselves off of the couch, or out of the bed again. We find our way back to what keeps us hopeful.
                Life doesn't mold itself into the way it's supposed to. Just because you are young, doesn't mean that it is impossible for our lives or for ourselves to be complicated. We are allowed to be more than meets the eye, more than what is expected of us. All I'm supposed to care about is where my next illegal substance is coming from, and how to maintain a 3.5 in college, but I care about more than that. Much more than that. I'm supposed to feel ashamed of myself for being this way; but I don't. And I'm happy to be able to say that. We think that if people who see us from the outside think we're doing okay; then we're okay. If we can keep our head above water, so we look normal and happy to others, that things are just fine. But that's not enough. Absolutely no one else's opinion matters if you don't like who you're becoming, aren't proud of yourself, or hate what your life is focused on. If I've learned anything in the past year, it's to stick by myself. No matter how psychotic the thoughts, dreams, or aspirations that come to your mind may seem; they aren't. They are special to you. We need to stop trying to make ourselves into what were supposed to be. We may disappoint or confuse, or even hurt some people, but one of the most important things you can do is stay authentic to yourself. Even if people around you don't notice, if you notice and feel proud of yourself for being able to change, that matters. Some of us may be more confused than others on who we are, or what we want, but there's nothing wrong with that. Just don't try to force yourself in doing things or being someone that doesn't feel right to you. There is a part of you in your core that is unchangeable; listen to it. It doesn't always make the best decisions, but it knows what is right for you in that moment. Sometimes we need mistakes to tell us what to change.
                 The only resolution I'd like to make for myself is to continue to be authentic. It's a freeing thing, when you are genuine. I don't care if teenagers are supposed to suck up to each other, and adults, and anyone on the face of this earth, to try and get people to like them and a fake sense of power or entitlement. I don't want any of that; it doesn't bring me any kind of fulfillment. Trying to impress people is a waste of time. Important relationships aren't built on shallow facades. Life becomes a whole lot easier when you let all of the great and real traits inside of you come out.
                Stop trying to be someone else. Yourself is enough. It's always going to be more than enough. Look forward to 2012. There is always, always, always time for change. Don't make grandiose resolutions you can't keep. Just have hope, keep trying, and be good to people. Most importantly, be good to yourself. Be proud of yourself for what you've done, for what you aspire to do, and for what you're going to do. Be patient with yourself, give yourself time to figure things out- you will. Appreciate your existence. Do more of what you want. Focus more on what matters to you. Keep learning. Strive for better.