Suspended emotions.

             Everything feels up in the air. My emotions don't know what to do with themselves. I wish I liked myself. I thought I did, but now I don't know anymore. I don't know if I'm supposed to feel like a loser or not. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel at all. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if I'm jaded, or ungrateful or I just want too much from my life. Why do I want so much? Why can't college be enough for me? Why can't living in a dorm in Manhattan and meeting new people just make me feel content? I don't know if I'm doing something wrong. I probably am. I feel like I'm ruining most moments and I don't know why. I'm so confusing. New surroundings are tough. They shake you to your core. Every thing you once knew feels like it's fading away. I don't know if I wish I was simpler or not. Then maybe I'd be happy. Intelligence really fucks you when it comes to happiness. My mind wants all of these things that it isn't capable of right now. There's no one to blame for this. Just a lot of "What ifs". I want to finish my book but I'm waiting until I get my head on straight here. I hope that happens soon. Every one around me says that they "Love life.", I wish it was as easy for me to say that. If I'm not like this for a reason then I want to punch whoever is in control of the universe. I feel like my mind is too old for me, but then sometimes I feel naive. I wonder if I'm ungrateful. I feel like a jerk. I could be in such a worse position, it's ridiculous that I feel like this. I want something to anchor me. I keep searching for things to create or maintain a good mood, but nothing ever lasts. I don't know if I've found the right people here. I don't know if these will become the right people. I've realized how much I hate not knowing things. But what I hate more is having people around me who don't want to figure out the answers, because they think they've already found them. I want more than this. I'm not hopeless, or helpless, I'm just stuck. I'm trying to figure things out, and my head is clogging. Probably because there isn't much to figure out. The things I want from my life are genuine and simple. I know what I want, but figuring out how to get it is proving to be one of the hardest things. I don't want advice, I want to know that I'm not alone, that I'm not crazy. We all want that, just some more than others. I am in the category of "some more than others". Sometimes I wish you could fast forward through the bad parts and get to the good ones. I wish the impact of good moments lasted longer. I don't want to care what people think about me, but I sometimes I do. Sometimes I just want to hate people as if this is their fault, just internally, to make myself feel better; but I usually don't, because it's the last thing I should be doing. I just have to remember that I feel better than I did. I'm making progress. For some reason, my mind loves erasing the progress, it loves making me think that I should be working harder and doing better. My night rants always go this way. It's crazy how things never turn out the way I think they will.