I don't want to forget about my past.

                I've finally been able to pinpoint the reason I've turned into a blubbering child as of recent (I know, it took two whole days) I'm afraid that because I'm launching into my future all at once, my past is going to become irrelevant in my mind. When you're unhappy, all you want to do is sprint away from whatever is making you unhappy-so I've been in this mindset where all I want to do is get away from my past and forget about it. But I've realized, I don't want to forget about my past. The only things I don't want to take with me from it are depression and anxiety. They had such a strong hold over me, and became such a fear, that they made me believe that I just wanted to push my past away as if it had no importance. But I don't want it to be that way. The past 17 years of my life were important, they weren't something I just "got through". This is where I've created the core of who I am as a person. I've met people and done things that have left an imprint on me that will last forever. Some of these things I'll remember, and some of them it will be harder to; but it doesn't mean they didn't make an impact. I know that certain things and people that I care about right now, will stay in my life for a very long time. Call me naive, but there are some things you just know.  I've realized and understood so much about life, people, and most importantly, myself. And those things matter.
            Just because a couple of years weren't so great, doesn't mean I should just pretend they never happened. And just because I'm starting a new chapter in my life, it doesn't mean I should relinquish everything that happened prior to it. Because what is the point of having a past if you can't reflect on it? There are so many things in life that can't be glossed over, as much as we'd like to be able to. We have to be able to deal with the hard stuff if we ever want to strengthen. Going back can bring on conflicting feelings, but you have to do it; or else you'll never learn the lessons, never appreciate anything, and never realize what things you want to keep in your life as you move forward. If you never look back on the bad and good parts, you're just going to be stagnant as a person forever. I wouldn't be able to be a writer if I wasn't able to learn from what I've done. I'm always going to need to look back on things to become better at it. I can't be afraid to go back to euphoric moments and miss them, or dark moments and feel just as dismal as I did then. I don't want to look back and feel regret anymore; I want to look back and feel grateful, and be able to understand a lesson in an even more enlightened way, even when it happened months or years before.
              It's still hard for me to understand how I've learned so much, and how I've become this person. But I'm more appreciative of all of the moments that made me like this than I could ever explain.