Sucks. I just said goodbye to my first one and it feels...horrible and conflicting and sad. Feelings that are unfamiliar can hit harder than any other, because you don't fully understand them and you can't pinpoint them. The funny thing is, I wasn't this person a week ago. I was handling the whole college thing very well. I was more excited than nervous, I knew me and my friends would stay together-1.because we all have to come back to the same hometown and 2. because we all love each other too much to not. Although both of those things are still true, I'm also feeling the emotions I'm sure I was trying to avoid. The feelings that I didn't think were going to hit, have (I guess I'm an emotionally late bloomer...that was a good one.). As usual, I was wrong about what I was going to feel (Which is why I'll advise that you never try to predict your feelings, it never works out. Just let them happen.) I rationalized everything, because it made dealing with it easier. I didn't want to feel sad because I thought it would ruin things for me. I feel like my mind only allows itself to be in one place at a time; I'm trying to find the happy medium to missing my friends while being excited for college. I haven't been excited for something in a very long time, and I was afraid of it being burnt out before I even got to use it in my future. I haven't felt simply excited for living in a long time, and I didn't want that to be taken away from me.
I don't even fully understand what I'm feeling though.
I feel regret rearing it's ugly head again. Regret that I didn't appreciate the people in my life enough, or do enough, say enough, help enough. But I don't think anyone ever says "I appreciated every single person in my life the exact amount I should have at all times." It isn't just my friends either, it's everyone in my life. I'm afraid I'm abandoning them when I've barely done enough for them to begin with.
I think a lot of it is fear, but for a couple of different reasons. I talked about comfort zones about a week ago, and I'm still trying to deal with my fear of being out of mine. Everything is changing..and all of a sudden thinking about that change makes me want to sob like a fucking sad clown. I would say I'm emotionally unstable, looking at a tree for longer than a minute could probably make me start tearing right now. So back to the change, the change is scary because it's big and inescapable. The people I have leaned on for company, conversations, and a good laugh, are now being taken out of my every day life.
I'm mostly afraid for them. I hate the feeling that I won't be able to help them as easily if they need me. That's the killer for me. I'm afraid of their unhappiness (I think by now we can label my biggest fear as unhappiness, in myself and in others) I'm afraid of not being by their side. I need to keep being an aid on their path to happiness; it's just one of those things I need to do to be content with myself. I'm also afraid of not being an important part of my friends lives anymore, it sounds selfish, but I can't deny it. I'm afraid that you can put years into a friendship, and a new chapter can make the progress vanish. But when it comes down to it, if none of them ever spoke to me again, but I knew that they were all happy-or at least content with their lives, I'd be okay with it.
But I know these things won't happen. Although fears are very real, they can also be very irrational. I'll still be able to help out my friends. We'll all still be able to help out each other. I feel like things aren't finished, and there's a reason for that. Although I'm sure it's going to hurt, I'm grateful to have people in my life that I'll miss so much. I know that missing someone or something can be thought of as a bad thing in life, but it the feeling you get when you reunite with what you were missing is like nothing else. I know it's not always possible to, but you still learn from missing something-you learn what makes you feel good. When people separate for college, I think everyone just automatically expects the worst-which is not being friends when you come back, or having the friendship feel strange and awkward. But I think that rarely happens. Authentic friendships don't just die, and strong people don't change that easily. Strong connections can't just vanish. Genuine love and caring for another person can never go away easily. I just have to take comfort in the fact that I still have these people in my life-they're just a little further away, physically and metaphorically. Miles and new life paths can't break things that are pure and real.
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