Looking back.

                      In this day and age, the motto of our lives is to be full speed ahead. We're not supposed to look back at the past, because it can't be changed.
                Once in awhile I look at old pictures, or just think about my life a couple of years ago, and it gives me a conflicting feeling. Part of me is comforted by these memories, because they feel like such a huge part of me. I see a picture and I can almost remember how I felt in that moment. It's strange looking back at the person I used to be and the person I am now. I know I haven't lived for very long, but sometimes only four years ago can seem more like forty years ago. Part of me wants to go back there. Part of me wants to be that person who's life was so much more simple. The girl who wasn't thinking about every single thing that occurred, and who gave herself a break. Then at least I was normal. I was stable. I don't know if I was happy though. I feel like happiness isn't this definable thing. You're happy when you're grateful for what you have, when you don't expect so much. Then, I didn't expect a fourth of what I do now, so maybe I was happy at some point in my life.
              I think about where I am now, and wonder if I could have changed the person i've become. I actually wonder if I would have wanted to prevent becoming this person. The anxiety and the depression aren't the greatest things to deal with, but without them I know the great things I have inside of me wouldn't exist. My passion to relate to and understand people would not exist without them, I know that. I wouldn't write if I didn't have so many thoughts flying through my head due to those emotions. Writing and my compassion towards people define me, they define my core. So although I hate my negative qualities, I wouldn't be the same person without them.
             Sometimes I can relive old emotions so easily it scares me. I used to write to vent about my friends and whatever bullshit was bothering me, and I can read them and feel the same way I did as a ninth grader bothered by petty things like someone giving me attitude. It's funny, i've always been the girl who needs to analyze things. The girl who takes everything in, even when it seems insignificant. Who understands why people do what they do, and needs to write it out. I've never enjoyed mind games, or hurting people. It's nice to see the good things stay with me.
            I do like where I am right now though. In reality, I wouldn't trade this person for anything. Happiness can be acquired, anxiety levels can be lessened. I know the negative things can be fixed. I may never give myself a minute to relax, or constantly be thinking about writing and what I should be doing to be successful in it, or hating High School because it feels to fake and pointless to focus on. I may be torturing myself with my mind, because it doesn't want to be living the life I have at the moment. I do all of these things, constantly, and drive myself up a wall by doing so. But I know there is no one else out there like me.
           We all need to accept our flaws for what they are, and stop trying to fix them. They can't  be changed or eliminated in an instant; as much we want them to. If we live our lives the way we want to, they will become insignificant; they wont feel like such a huge presence in our lives. Be proud of the things about you that drive you nuts. They make you an individual. The traits that you have to deal with, and the battles you face within yourself strengthen you. There is no one else like you out there, remember that. Use it to your advantage.