Close, but no Cigar

It is 1 AM on a Thursday night. 7 Hours ago I was broken up with by my mentally ill boyfriend.

I should've known. Is my radar truly horrid? Is my judgement really that bad? Or am I just better off alone? Ever since I began dating in the Summer of 2019, it seems as though I have not been good at it. Hung up on the same guy for over a year, through a pandemic. The year after, accidental boyfriend, who I was barely attracted to, who I allowed myself to date for 7 months. 

I met this man this March and I was so excited. I had a great first date; 3 hours of conversation. I didn't want it to end. Someone I wanted to talk to; someone I wanted to be with. But he showed me his true colors too quickly. But I am a person who likes to see things through. I can't meet someone I connect with and just throw them away because of some mental setbacks. That would be hypocritical of me! It's not my style. I don't see people as disposable. I see them as integral chapters in my life. 

But I was wrong. You were right (insert therapists name here)! I am a moron. This man ghosted me for 4 days. And as a person who watches WAY TOO MUCH Forensic Files, and 20/20, Investigation Discovery, Etc; I googled his name, found his parents contact info, and contacted them. If I was overreacting - I DON'T CARE. Because I was concerned for someone's well-being. 

And finally, as I wake up from my Thursday-afternoon-nap - I get the text I have been waiting for. From an unknown number. He had a mental breakdown - which is what I truly HOPED for all along based on his behavior. The things I was imagining were way worse. Yet the way he wrote to me felt so final. He got to decide. He needed to be single. Which honestly was what I knew all along...I just liked this person and didn't want to admit it. I'm actually proud of him for setting these boundaries - for saying it. 

But honestly - I felt single all along. I don't know if I will ever feel truly comfortable enough with someone to allow them to be my partner. But I can't let myself just succumb to that; I have only been actively dating for less than 3 years. I don't know much. I have learned some. 

All I know is that I need to figure out what the fuck I want and need to feel fulfilled first. 

Because no man is ever going to give that to me.