Lost Angeles

It took me an inordinate amount of time just to get in a comfortable position and – choose a font? – Who the fuck have I become. My relationship with writing has become so convoluted…but we’ll get to that.

I’ve been in Los Angeles for a week. Pause. What do I have to say? Loneliness has been a pervasive feeling. As a person who prides themselves on being “very good at being alone” (eye roll at my obvious intimacy issues), after a couple of days, the solo day trips get old. Last week I felt fresh and new – wandering The Getty, heading to a park to climb up a hill and enjoy the LA view. I was feeling active and independent and proud of myself. I’m still proud of myself. I mean, this is 2 weeks out of my home, away from my dog – I have not been away from home or NY for this long in a loooong time, if ever. I was nervous when I booked my flights – could I really do this for 2 weeks? As much as I pride myself on being alone, I feel like I’m alone enough! Being accompanied is fun too! There is so much guilt, my entire life is motivated by guilt. I’m not even Jewish! Is this white guilt, or just general existential guilt?

Wherever you go…there you are. Now this is my LAST DAY being alone (for the rest of the trip I'll be accompanied by friends) and I still feel shitty. That pervasive depressed feeling I thought I could escape 3,000 miles away. I still want to wake up, get high, watch TV, listen to music, passively apply for jobs…

I feel time too deeply. It has been a little more than a month since I lost my job. And I’m pissed at myself for not harnessing that energy. Where did it go? I can still write a script, still get a job I want, try to be happy! I always feel like there is some time limit. Because those around me remind me. What normal is supposed to be. I did normal for a whole god damn year and I was miserable. It was an enriching experience I am grateful to have had and gotten through, and I made friends I will always cherish and met people I am grateful to know! For real. Am I just supposed to be over all of that in a month? As much as I wasn’t happy, I was still attached, and at the very least, comfortable. I’ve had a couple of nightmares about my job. Me setting up the tables for the annual gala. Somehow being at my desk, looking through my emails, seeing what my boss was saying in response to people asking about me. In the dream I contemplated finally sending that All Staff email, a nice one, just to thank them. This dream really showed me where I’m at. I still want closure. I’m still not over it. And that is perfectly okay.

I was trying to choose comfort and stability, and the universe chose for me.

How long can you torture yourself? I don’t know what my limit is, and by the time I realize, it is too late. I had a dream last night and the feeling is still with me. It reminded me of the dark place, the place in mid-December where I thought I was going to have to quit my job, couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t stop crying. That was not so long ago, barely 4 months; I am still that person. But I want to be different – you know? I want to change. Really, I just want to embrace the person I always have been, and have always wanted to be, fully, authentically. Deep down, you know who you are, what you want. All of the noise just drowns it out. And you become safe; you make “smart” and “rational” decisions. You think if you just keep doing all of the “right” things, just keep chugging along, maintaining, getting by, you will eventually be rewarded. That is a big story New York tells you. Life has convinced me.

Suffering will eventually pay you back.

But how long is a person supposed to suffer for? Why do we keep playing into this con?

When I lost my job, I felt that thing you feel in only pivotal points of your life. Suddenly everything has changed and you did not choose it: what are you going to do? It shows so much about your character! How you react! What you realize, and want! I felt so charged, I felt relieved, I felt like I had been given the fresh start I wanted, had been talking about in therapy for months  - with unemployment! The American Dream, no? Being a mentally ill person who gets paid government money to recover from a draining year of working full time, in turn getting some precious TIME to focus on what she really cares about…and dare I say, even, HAPPINESS? When you have a salary, you aren’t thinking about happiness. You are thinking about, how much longer do I have to suffer until my next raise, my next vacation: WHEN IS THIS SHIT GOING TO PAY OFF!

I just want to harness this energy. I am so tired of pushing off my dreams, my wishes, my goals. They are always with me. I know what I want to achieve, not fully, not in detail…but I know what I give a shit about. I know what would feel incredible to accomplish. I know what I am capable of. And I keep putting it off. I went from 15 and overly ambitious to 25 and stifled by myself. This is the time in my life where I can do things like this! I can go to California for 2 weeks because I WANT TO clear my mind. Because I deserve it, and for the first time in my life, I have the time and money to do it! This trip in itself, being able to do it, is a big deal for me. Having friends who are willing to take you in, to support you and encourage you during this time…I have never been so grateful to know the people I know.

This is the corniest shit on earth: but friendship is THE thing. I have known it all along, and no matter how nihilistic or cynical I get, I believe that life could be worth living simply to experience friendship. I have found true, authentic, wonderful people so early in life -  the friends I am on this trip with have been my friends for 20. Years. Even when I feel dark and damaged and unending, I am so overwhelmingly grateful. You can’t do this shit alone. You need to connect, to know what it’s like to have someone UNDERSTAND you. It is worth more than anything to me. While I have conducted my “Unemployment Drinking Tour of 2019” (what I’ve been calling it), I have reconnected with people I LOVE, people that inspire me and make me understand what this whole life thing could be all about. These are people I always want to know, always want to have alongside me to go through life with, do not know what I’d do if I didn’t KNOW these specific people existed! You know? When you meet someone new, and get to really know them, and you get that feeling…wow, I can’t believe you’re a person too. It is the best, the greatest love story I know.

Why the fuck are we here? It could just be friendship!