Heaven is Here Somewhere

       I am hungover and tired I think I sprained my knee somehow. I am caught in the anxiety laden pit of self loathing after getting drunk for the wrong reasons. Also caused by the fact that I lost my fucking wallet; which I am trying to keep to myself for as long as possible before my parents recommend I go to treatment seriously instead of jokingly. Eye roll. I don't need treatment guys! Maybe a mental facility for a bit, but the nice ones are like 30K a month and I didn't even pay that for the entirety of my college degree. 
        But because the wallet is missing, now I have to reevaluate myself for no reason, because it isn't just about the wallet. Me losing the wallet is representative of all of the other stuff. 
        Sylvia's bell jar euphemism is hitting close to home right now. I am screaming on the inside but I can't say anything. I don't really know what to say, it all seems so trite. I have been down this road before. I just feel hopeless with nothing to look forward to. And life is about finding things to look forward to, as many visionaries (such as Charlie Brown) have said. I am feeling so off that I'm actually jealous of religious people, because at least they believe in a heaven. My heaven is here somewhere for me to find. 
       I am frustrated by the lifestyle I have so easily sunken into of unemployment. I have become a millennial cliché. It isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person, but I didn't want it for me. 
        I am midday napping and buying weed and partially enjoying the drive to Patchogue's unemployment office every couple of months because it gives me time to think, and it's always sunny on those days, and I daydream about driving past the exit and going to The Hamptons. But I don't. As soon as I grab the handle to step inside I feel shame wash over me. I am sad and worn down, sulking to interviews I don't want to go to and interviews I do, taking the yellow pill so I can be the person I'm supposed to be. I am hurt and distrustful of everything. I didn't think this was going to happen so early. Things are either happening too early or too late; why can't something just happen on time for once? 
          I just found vomit in my aux cable. I hate myself. 
          Why did I need to drink like this? A couple of minuscule but disappointing things happened this week that make me feel like I'm never going to get past this time period in my life. Why did you call me to tell me I didn't get the job, cable network I dream of working at? Couldn't you just send me a rejection email, or the ever-popular NOTHING. I am stuck and I don't know how to get out. I hate the flailing. I know it is 23, it is youth, I have to do these things. I have to lose myself to truly know myself. My swiftly conceptualized tattoos won't be the only evidence of my early 20's. At least I can say I've "done stuff." Whatever that means to me means something different to you. Many stupid, fun, thoughtless things, but also moments where your heart beats fast and you feel like you're taking a real chance on something, on your life. That stuff is way more important than the fact that my hair has puke in it and I have to cancel my credit cards.