Holes.

     We feel holes that aren't physically there but we know are there. We feel these aches and we don't know how to satiate them. How do we get rid of them? When did they happen? Why does it feel like every time we fill one, a new one reveals itself?

      You're just left with questions and confusion. Something that once gave you a home, gave you an immense feeling of comfort; is gone. Gone is an awful word. I don't think I've ever said or thought "gone" and felt good about it. But it's gone and no one tells you how to replace it. Well, someone does. The world does. It says put this up and wait for digital validation or inhale this and wait for calm. Afterwards you'll feel empty again, you'll lose both highs; but you asked for a temporary fix, not a solution. And it sucks. It makes sense, everything that is easy and appealing does nothing in the long term. At least nothing good. 

       So instead you grapple with questions. You sit in quiet staring at your ceiling or with music blasting in your ears or with cars beeping in the distance, and you wonder how to fill the spaces in between the parts of you that still hold themselves together. You wonder what are wants and what are needs, and who the hell decided there was a definitive line between the two. 

      You want to fill the gaps with "healthy" and "productive" things, but sometimes those aren't right either. Sometimes those make you feel like a robot, like an inauthentic version of yourself who feels like they're working towards something but is really just doing something that you were told to do. Told to do by one of those people you're supposed to adhere to and really listen to because you're supposed to believe they know much more than you. And that feels like a crock of shit. Listening to someone just because I'm supposed to, because they think they know more than me. They're already wrong in thinking they can be an authority on anything. 

        So it's hard...of course it is. It's going to be a life-long thing. You're going to put pieces in the wrong holes, ignore holes, damage holes, make them bigger; you're going to do it all wrong. But then hopefully you get it right. Even when a new one comes; you'll know you've filled them before and you'll fill them again. Some are gaping and some are small and some are just lifelong, they are as large as your being- you just have to pay attention to them, try to understand what they need. What you need. 

         Wholeness is something we all want, even when that seems corny or much less appealing than the almighty "happiness" But wholeness really is all you long for. And it exists in you, somewhere, even when it doesn't feel so present. It comes in moments, too. Looking around a room full of people you care about and finding extreme comfort in their presence, just because they breathe and you are lucky enough to know them. Getting moments to yourself where you realize you aren't half bad and deserve your own affections. Realizing that you actually believe in the sentence "I'm going to be okay."

          Love is what we all want, too. We think we just want someone else to kiss our boo boos, and be the impenetrable cement we've been looking for that will just fill every hole, but that isn't so right either. But you deserve love. You deserve to have people who want to kiss you because seeing the look of defeat on your face kills them inside, and they want you to feel better. You deserve to have people come to your rescue with laughter and understanding when you need to let your walls down and remember who you are again. You deserve to exceed your own expectations and overcome things you didn't think you could, and love yourself for it. You deserve all of those feelings. 

          Not having can be hard. Sometimes all we can see is emptiness. But there's more there than you're looking at. And just because you feel empty doesn't mean it's always going to be there. It can be so easy to believe that it can only last forever. We don't want to hope that it won't because we're afraid of being let down by that hope. But it isn't wrong to hope for, it's necessary. You have to grab at things and shove them into the places that are empty and hope they help you out. If not, you try again. 

          Despite everything telling you "Please, do not fucking do this to yourself anymore. Please, just give up." you try again.