I get it. I am young. I'm not allowed to feel pain. Pain is only allotted for certain age groups, certain situations; people like me are put somewhere else.
I can't say that the uncertainty that comes with being 19 swallows me whole sometimes. That I'm terrified of what's going to happen to me. Because I'm so young, I just don't know what to expect. I don't think age hands you all of the answers, but I think that the longer you inhabit earth for, the more you feel like you know what to expect from earth. Time gives you familiarity. You see and experience patterns. Even when stability and predicting is all a figment of our imagination, and is never certain, time is helpful.
Youth feels similar to being pushed into a dark room by someone who just shoved an unidentified drug down your throat, and you're just stumbling around in this unfamiliar space, bumping into shit constantly, while trying to grab onto things that you think will help you out and you think will make you successful in the end; but really you have no idea what the fuck you're doing. And why is that not allowed to be scary? Why is that guffawed at by adults? The fact that a young person is scared? They think they know more than me, "Wait until this jackass becomes an adult and works at a job she despises and gets divorced and manipulated and taken advantage of." They tell me that these are my prime years, this is it. Adulthood is going to be a rude awakening. YES, EXACTLY, I KNOW THAT THIS COULD HAPPEN. I'VE SEEN IT HAPPEN TO YOU- YOU'RE UNHAPPY. I don't want to turn out like you! You solved the puzzle! You are what I'm trying to avoid; thank you for being my example.
I refuse to believe I'm not justified in the way I feel. What would that solve? Any time I feel bad I'm just supposed to push it away? No, no bad feelings, go somewhere else. You don't feel nice or look nice, you don't help me make people admire me, hire me, love me; you are useless, get away. I'm supposed to just push all of the bad shit away and pretend it isn't there. Youth is like this weird prison where you're expected to be carefree and happy all the time. This is your allotted time for that. Struggling, feeling unfulfilled, and sadness are only allowed to happen later. Those feelings are not for now. AND IT'S ANNOYING BECAUSE MINDS DON'T FOLLOW RULES LIKE THAT. They don't do what they're supposed to do.
I hate the way that we look at the stuff that is messy about us. From our perspective, bad is bad, and there's no other way around it. But what about thinking "Hey, maybe I feel this stuff for a reason. So I can realize something. So I don't turn out like those people who tell you to rationalize your dreams and goals and shoot low." I don't want to be one of those people. I just don't. I don't care if it's crazy to believe that you can live a life where you love what you do and you act on your authentic wants. If I'm deluded, just let me be. What does believing in failure do? Stop me from even trying? If you think that being jaded makes you look cool or makes people envy you then you're fucking stupid. In reality you're just scared of how you look. Failure is a terrifying thing, and most people are afraid of it because of how it looks. I know it's easy for me to say "Who cares what anyone else thinks?" because yes, failure can be embarrassing and fill you with shame. But at least you fucking tried. The people who will get pleasure from your failure are either really shitty people or are really lazy people who aren't even trying. There is no legitimate reason for you to care about what these people think of you.
Everyone is so afraid of pain- JUST FEEL PAIN. DO THE SHIT YOU WANT TO DO. I know pain is scary, I know, but you have to endure it when you're trying to create a life that will fulfill you. It's just the way it works. You have to take the risk. You owe it to yourself to give it a shot. Please, help yourself out. Go after what you want. It isn't easy but that's the point. Nothing worth having is going to come easily. Think of the reward, imagine how things could turn out for you.
I know we judge people for complaining or feeling sad or searching for sympathy, and we judge ourselves. But there is no handbook on what to do with bad feelings. People process things in the way they know how to. Sometimes that can be irritating as all hell to you, and that's okay. But if people judge you for getting down while you're trying to make something of yourself- just tell them to shut the fuck up. You're really trying to DO something for yourself. And it is fucking hard. As opposed to just speculating- which is what most young people are professionals at. Just keep going, and know you do what you do for a reason, and people who love you will support you and will try to get why you do it.
BEING A HUMAN IS HARD, and I'm tired of pretending it isn't. I'm not saying that we should be throwing each other pity parties or using it as an excuse to self-loathe; but christ, can we all just acknowledge that?
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