Endings.

                Whenever something is over we are supposed to do something about it. Try to make meaning out of it, say something about it, feel something about it. Sometimes it isn't that easy. Things get in the way of you committing to the moment. Life doesn't stop for you to process things and things that are mundane can easily overshadow your moments. I think I hate endings so much because maybe I don't believe in them. I don't feel like things necessarily leave your life never to return. I think we hold all of the things that happened to us and they work together to make us who we are. Even when we can't remember them or how they made us feel, they did something. So maybe that's a part of why I hate feeling like I have to put some kind of statement on every ending that occurs in my life. There are too many of them and it can be emotionally exhausting to make each of them a momentous deal. But I think a lot of it is fear. Endings always seem to hit like a ton of bricks. You think you're just going to glide through it and then you don't, and you have all of these questions and all of these wants to just know what a time period meant to you. You wish a summary of it could just come to your mind in a concise manner. You're afraid you're not giving it the meaning it deserves, that you're going to let yourself forget all that was wonderful about it. You don't want to forget.
                 But if you deal enough with the fear, a calm or a realization is going to come. And mine is this: Even in all of the moments I haven't felt okay, I knew that I was going to be okay. Even though my mind wants to think about all of the bad sometimes, I know I'd can't allow the bad to ruin something for me. It isn't fair to myself. There is a stability in my life even when I don't feel like it's there. There is a stability in love. Even when people can be everything but predictable; I don't think love is like that. People have loved me unconditionally and I have done the same, and I find stability in that. I realized that everything can change, but certain things don't have to disappear. You are allowed to move on and still keep good, and you don't always have to choose between them. You can find new feelings and new experiences to love, and they can be meaningful and important. I realized that I can open up to people, and they will appreciate my authenticity, and I can start to find a home in them. It is possible for people to be new, but to just know in your gut that they're going to mean a lot to you. It's possible to get to genuinely know the core of people quickly, because you showed them your scars and they showed you theirs. You decided not to have anything left to hide. It is freeing to know you can allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to do that.
                 Even when I don't think I'm lucky; I'm lucky. There is too much incredible good that has occurred in my life and in myself to ignore it all and trudge on. Although there is a lot that feels uncertain, this is the moment of calm that makes it all feel okay. These are the kind of moments that make me believe in what I'm doing; believe that it's all going to turn out alright.