When things don't make sense.

                  I think a lot of us are convinced that the goal of living, is to figure out things. Figure out ourselves, the people around us, why were here, why we feel the way we feel, what we need to do to get where we want to be. I understand it well. Searching for enlightenment is one of the most important things I think I do with my mind. All I try to do is simply understand, because I just enjoy doing so. But I don't think that there's an end-point to the searching on the most important things. I don't think you ever fully figure out yourself or what you want. I think so often, we expect to understand things more quickly than we deserve. We expect to know why we have a passion-less week, or things work out for us and we still feel as though were in a rut, or we just hate everyone when no one deserves our hate. I think we beat ourselves up because we think we're supposed to know better. Sometimes we don't simply allow ourselves to be human. To fuck up and be nasty and shut ourselves down for a couple of days, to not appreciate what we have and to stop keeping our passions in mind. To get caught up in something and lose ourselves. Getting lost is scary because every time, were convinced we won't find ourselves again.  And I think we beat ourselves up a lot, because were not supposed to be this unpredictable. There is supposed to be cause and effect to what we feel, what we do.
                    I think we forget to allow ourselves to be complicated. To want things bigger than ourselves. To do things and think things we're not expected to. Expectations are the killers. I've been fighting with those a lot lately. I don't really care what people expect of me in the sense that it stops me from doing things. But sometimes I use others to try and gauge how proud I should be of myself. My mind is good at deleting my accomplishments, and sometimes I wonder if my parents are proud of me because they're my parents and they love me, or because they believe that what I'm accomplishing is something to legitimately be proud of. When I try to understand reality, to understand normal, I have a lot of trouble. Because I don't know what is real or normal. My meter of those becomes more and more blurred. So I kind of just shove a proud moment down my throat and move on from it because it never feels quite right. I never feel entitled to feeling accomplished, at least not yet. Emotionally I think I've accomplished a lot and I do like myself, but when it comes to external things I don't know how to process them yet. But I know I'll get there and I can be patient. For now, I do a lot of trudging on, contemplating, and appreciating minuscule moments.
                  The expectations that murder me are the ones within myself. If I want this so badly, I'm supposed to be taking all of this aggressive action to make it happen. I'm not just supposed to know better, but I do know better. Sometimes I don't know whether to give myself a break, or to step it up and meet my high expectations. I never allow myself to be 18 or to be human, or to be an introvert. I'm not one of those people who can run on all cylinders at all times and it's hard for me to accept that. I know I'm capable of anything, but I can't force myself to turn into some person I'm not, I can't rush progress. That's the biggest thing. I can't rush growth and something in me is convinced that I can and that's what beats me up.
                 Sometimes you have to accept the fact that you are a human. Not bones and blood and a brain and long hair and brown eyes. Not a diploma you're working towards or the city you live in or the career you want. Not a young face or a pretty dress. You're complications and thoughts and baggage and optimism and insecurities and fears and hope. You're your emotions. Sometimes they're unpredictable, and sometimes they actually come together and make sense for you. It's a beautiful thing, how that works out, but we often look at it as a mess. As something that needs to be fixed and cleaned up. But I think we have to accept that everything doesn't fit into a perfect definition. People can't do that. So you have to accept the complication and decide to keep going and see where it takes you, because getting lost for awhile can help you understand the most about yourself. It can bring you to good places. And you know that eventually something will make sense or feel comfortable again. Look forward to that moment.