I saw The Buried Life speak tonight. I had to pause for awhile after that sentence because..this is a tough one for me. I don't normally talk about specific moments in my life on here, because I've gotten into a rhythm of talking about emotions and contemplations. Writing about particular events and details are things I feel are unnecessary to get my points across. But this is an important moment. A really important moment. With a flood of realizations that have been swirling around my head but are ready to be written down. So, prepare for a lot of detail, because I just feel like it's necessary. In part because I would really like to remember this moment. And c'mon...have you read this blog? I over-analyze everything. How could I not do the same with this of all moments?
My best friend told me a month ago that his school won a contest to have The Buried Life come speak. Part of me wanted to die...and part of me was very apprehensive.
If you haven't realized through the month-long dedication to their season 2 premiere, the blog posts, or the tweets-I am hopelessly in love with The Buried Life. And it isn't just a kind of love where I'm like "OMGGG they're all so hot!That was HILAR when they snuck into the Playboy mansion!", it's deeper than that. I think a lot of people understand where I'm coming from, because I see the die-hard fans all over tumblr, and facebook, and twitter. You guys notice the details I notice, know every episode by heart, and know that 4 men you may have never even met yet have made one of the biggest impacts on your life. You guys watch all of the interviews, and have bucket lists and actually work on them. I understand you very well, even if I don't have an online presence dedicated to the boys. In a way, this blog is dedicated to the boys, because I don't know if I would have made this without them. Although I love writing with all of my heart, and it is one of the only things that makes me truly come alive; there are always doubts that come with following through on what you're passionate about. The wheels started turning in my head about this kind of stuff (Meaning all of the philosophy-related ideas my ramblings on here revolve around) before TBL came into my life, so that was why I was so astonished as a 16 year old seeing that there was going to be a show on MTV about actual people in my age range who cared about what kind of person they were becoming. I was even more astonished when I realized I wasn't the only young person this struck a chord with. Because of the combination of the boys and the response from our generation, I realized that the shit running through my mind and the internal problems I faced weren't psychotic; I wasn't alone in them, and they could be appreciated by other people. I realized that I could write about what I wanted to write about, because whatever lights a fire in you is always going to have an affect on someone-even if it's just one person.
Okay...so where was this going? Right, explaining why I was apprehensive. SO, the reason why hearing that I had to chance to meet my idols freaked me out was because exactly that...these men are my idols. People have Oprah, or Justin Bieber, or even god-I have The Buried Life. I'm trying to say that in the least creepy way possible(Even though I'm never good at covering up how much I care about things on here, it's just one of those things I can't do. So, I'll deal with sounding like a lunatic and comparing TBL to a religion. Which I'm not. Yet I slightly am..)-TBL is just a very large presence in my life, that's what I'm trying to get at here. I couldn't imagine meeting them, and having a moment with them-and having to deal with the weight of that moment ending, and it being close to nothing to them. I didn't think I could handle it. It reminds me of when people say things like "people are afraid to be happy". I've never agreed with it, and I still don't, because I think it's absurd to say that people are afraid of happiness. What I think people are afraid of are absolutely incredible moments, and having to deal with the aftermath of them. I think that is what destroys people emotionally. Because there is something about a moment of euphoria that is so fleeting and so intense, that we always expect the crash after it to be devastating. So many times we have heard that the crash is worth it, and it is something I couldn't believe in more-but fear is fear, and like I have said before, it is constricting and controlling. It eats away at you and tells you that you should not do whatever you want to do, that you should run away now before damage occurs. Fear is what people are terrified of, pain, scars; this is what stops people from doing things. Sometimes we try really hard to prevent ourselves from being harmed, and we hurt ourselves even more so by that action.
I can tell this is going to be a novel and I'm very, very sorry...it's alright, reading is good for you.
But I went. I mean, I HAD to go. Every time TBL was in NYC or doing a speaking engagement, I had never been able to go or meet them, and after feeling like I was going to have to wait for at least another year or two for it to happen, the opportunity just fell in my lap. So I went with my best friend Rob, and my other two close friends Frank and Yadira. I took a really early train into Jamaica, missing a couple of my later classes (But college degrees are overrated anyway.), we went to the outside of the arena, and were pretty close to the front of the line. So I thought to myself "Fuck, I might actually meet them, I don't know if I can handle this.". Then, after they let people in and we went through the metal detectors, it turned into a clusterfuck. We stood around, go into the arena, and realized there were gold bracelets for the first 150 people to sit in a closer VIP section. I was pretty pissed, but then I just thought I was grateful to be there and see them speak, so I should stop being pissed and just enjoy. We waited for awhile and then, one of the students working the event comes near us and asks 2 guys in front of us if they want to sit in VIP, my friends all look at each other manically, my friend Frank asks her, she says yes, and we pretty much charge to the VIP seating. I was very, very happy. The boys come out, and of course it is fantastic. I really just couldn't believe I was watching Ben speak, Duncan tell a joke, Dave breakdance, and Jonnie tell a story, in person. I'm the type of TBL fan I described above, so I knew most of the things they spoke about; but it was really cool to hear the back-story on certain things and see videos I'd never seen before. My friend Frank went up to the mic and said before he died he wanted to do something really nice for his 3 closest friends (Us,LOLZ), and I screamed, and they shone a spotlight on us for a quick second, and I think Ben called us a Wolfpack, and it was cute and over.
Oh, and just saying, throughout this entire day and event I was a complete lunatic. I was screaming and squealing constantly, (Because, I'm pretty great at screaming, if screaming was a talent-and it feels damn good. At one point, I screamed at Jonnie to have my babies...which obviously doesn't anatomically make sense, but like I said, I was a complete lunatic. I'm usually not "normal", but these boys just take me over the edge.) and just all around acting like a maniac. I just want you to realize that I wasn't cool, calm and collected...I was a psycho. Or at least I felt like one. You're always much more hyper-aware of yourself than everyone else is...but still. I was.
So the event ends and once again I think "Fuck, I might actually meet them, I don't know if I can handle this." Whoever's running the event says, people in VIP stay where you are for the meet-and-greet. And we're all like "Yay!". Then they say "Only if you have gold bracelets can you meet them." and I think, "THESE FUCKING GOLD BRACELETS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME." Never did I think a color I love so much would cause me so much turmoil. But I think, whatever, let's just try to get in, it can't hurt. There were people around us without bracelets too, so we thought we'd see how it went. So we get on line for that, and I'm thinking about how I can't even cry on command to try and convince a security guard or someone to let us in if they give us shit about the bracelets, but I realized eventually that they aren't checking for them. HAZAAH. We wait for about 30 minutes (I guess, I have no sense of time, similar to a dog.) and then we walk into a room that leads into the room the actual boys are in.
This is where one of the best moments of my life commences.
So we get in (And remember, I am rabid-animal status at this point), and I know that for the picture I am going to try and get to Jonnie. Whenever I thought about meeting them, I always knew I'd go straight to Jonnie, because even though I obviously love all of the boys, he's the one I feel a special connection to(And I'm kind of in love with him...). They told us before we went in that we had to take the picture and immediately leave, so I'm slightly discouraged going in, thinking I won't be able to say anything of substance to any of them. I see two girls talking to Jonnie, book it over to him, forgetting that my friends are there or that my friends even exist, and wait for them to finish. They say were taking the picture, I grab(Literally...christ I need help.) Jonnie, start saying "Ohmygod,ohmygod." like a fan-girl lunatic, while Jonnie mocks me because I'm sure he's heard this many, many times before. I give him what I think is a goodbye-hug and I think to myself "I'm just going to leave. I'm going to walk away and regret it and hate myself for it. I'm just going to let my fear get the best of me once again." But while I'm hugging him, I let out in some kind of whine-squeal-exhale "I'M A WRITERRR", and start talking about how I've dealt with depression and anxiety for the past couple of years, I talked about this blog and what I write about on it, and probably thanked him for making me want to keep going with it. To be honest, I don't fully remember what I said, or even some of what he said, because my brain was in such shock that I was actually doing this that it was...short-circuiting, I suppose. I still can't even believe I'm writing about this, that this has actually occurred. I was looking into his blue eyes, actually saying these words, talking about the things that were the most important to me and made the biggest impact on my life thus far. In the middle of it he tells me "I love your voice, has anyone ever told you that? It has confidence to it." To which I die obviously because I can't believe I actually sound "confident" while I feel like a maniac. Then I return to fan-girl and say "I LOVE your voice"(Face-palm. But it's true..) I also probably tell him I love him about 4 million times. He also says "You know what you have to do when you're going through stuff like that..." to which I also blanked on the ending. Then he recommends me a book that inspired George Lucas to write Star Wars, we hug for the 3rd time (How I get 3 hugs in there I don't fully understand...but I'm obviously not complaining about. My best friend told me that "he was really hugging you". Even externally it can be seen that Jonnie Penn hugs are the greatest things on earth.), and while I'm walking away he tells me to "Keep going" pertaining to my writing and demons and what-not. Then I was dead, because the whole thing was unreal. Then I resurrected. And now I'm writing this.
I don't think I've ever lived in a moment more genuinely. I wasn't thinking about the next day, or my to-do lists, or how horrible I am at astronomy and paying attention in my classes. I wasn't a college student, or a teenager; I just felt very connected to myself. We let a lot of bullshit blind us from what is important in our lives. I do it, which is why sometimes I don't write on here for weeks at a time because I'm caught up with my life and obligations, and my head is simply too clogged to be able to get to the place in my core that allows me to write. It sucks, but it's a part of being a human. It's important to not let all of the influences around you take a hold of you and destroy what matters to you. To let things slip away because you're too caught up in a life you don't care about. What and who you care about and invest in. At the end of the day, that's what's going to be there. That is what lights a fire in you and is the reason you believe that you're lucky to be alive. And that's what The Buried Life is all about.
I've read things people have said about their experiences with TBL and how special they made them feel...and I can't believe that humans are capable of caring that much, and being that talented at making you feel comfortable and important. It shouldn't have astonished me, but it did, because I had to experience it myself to believe it. I know I have emotionally invested myself and believed in 4 men who truly deserve it. I've always known it, but it's nice when life solidifies things even more so in your mind.
Now I'm going to get 4 hours of sleep to hop on a train back to Manhattan. Tomorrow when I wake up, for once I'll know I didn't dream seeing The Buried Life. And any crash that comes with that realization is well worth it.
If you get through this whole post you seriously deserve a medal and 50 Jonnie Penn hugs.
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