This isn't for me.

                  I can't do this. I've been at college for less than 5 days, and it's astonishing how unhappy I am. I've met a substantial amount of people, and I can't see myself being close friends with any of them. Is this me? Is this my fault? I came into this being open to meeting and befriending anyone. I'm not judging anyone, but if I don't like being around them, what can I do? I felt a sinking feeling all Summer that this was going to happen, but I ignored it. I've put myself in the mindset that all I want is to be a writer, and that's staying true to me now. Manhattan is right, but college isn't. I'm not the kind of person who wants to run around a dorm and be constantly surrounded by people. I don't want to drink and smoke and stay up until 5 a.m every night. I don't want to sit in a class and talk about computer science and women's studies. I want to make something of myself. I want to inspire as many people as possible. I want to do something authentic and genuine with my life. I don't care about money or fame, I care about my happiness and being able to help people. I want to meet people who are as passionate about something as I am. I can't have my life be like this for 4 years. I don't care if this sounds selfish, or petty, or I'm judging things too early; when unhappiness sinks in your chest, it can't be easily ignored. All I've been able to feel is conflicted for the past couple of days, but there's nothing to be conflicted about. I want to be a writer-that is what I need to be happy. Fuck college, fuck people who I don't want to be around, and fuck feeling like I have to focus my time, energy, and emotions on things that make me feel unhappy. I'm taking all of the inspiration I can from Manhattan, and I'm finishing what I started. This is what I need to take a risk on, this is what I've been working on for 2 years. My dark feelings, tears, experiences, risks, triumphs, and all of the moments I've had of inspiration and enlightenment aren't going to waste. The tens of thousands of words that I've written aren't staying on this computer. I've worked hard, and I'm not just going to give up because of what I'm supposed to be focused on. I'm done doing that. It's time to do what I fucking want.
               This is life. Life isn't meant to be a bunch of chapters strung together that you just "get through". It isn't about doing what society expects you to do. You can't worry about disappointing anyone else but yourself. Your life can't revolve around doing what's normal, or what you're "obligated" to do. There are no real obligations; your only obligation is to chase and fight for your own happiness. You also need to help people realize what a beautiful thing life is, how much worth their life has, and the fact that they are capable of doing absolutely anything. You're going to have to put in the effort to make yourself believe these things too. The only limitations that exist are the ones you set within yourself. If you want more from your life, you're going to have to work for it and become consumed by it until what you dream of becomes a reality. You just need to keep believing that being hopeful isn't a waste. Aspiring to do something bigger than yourself isn't a waste. If we didn't dream, then what would we live for?
           
           Sidenote 8/29:I can be emotionally unstable(story of my life). I write to vent, and sometimes my fears and emotions get the best of me and make me overreact. I don't regret anything I say though. My negative feelings are real, and just because I don't love how they sound the next day, doesn't mean that they aren't authentic to my writing and to myself.