Today, I finally got to see my best friend so I could talk with him about why he had a mental breakdown after his college orientation. It brought on a lot of realizations and questions for myself. The irony is, out of all of my friends, I thought he would be the one most likely to have a great time at college. He's always been extroverted, and the connector and social butterfly of our group. He had friends in every social group in High School, and he won Prom King for christ sakes, for good reason. But thinking of that, it made me understand why it hit him so hard. In my final weeks of High School, I kept thinking about how hard it was going to be for the "popular" kids to adjust to college, to not automatically have status and everyone know their name. I never put him into the equation though.
I guess this is just a whole new ballpark. I never knew college could bring on such severe feelings. Which is strange, considering the kind of feelings I've felt for the past couple of years. This brings me to the topic of this; happiness. Carrie Bradshaw writes about and is enamored with love-I write about and am enamored with everything having to do with happiness. I've been depressed for the past two years, so I've obviously felt some pretty unpleasant (Which isn't even the word to describe it, but I think you understand that.)feelings. At the same time, I'm very optimistic about life in general. Which is why this post, this blog, and my passion for writing exist. I've been in the depths of my emotions, so I guess I'm not as terrified of feeling bad as other people are. I understand feeling bad, I have felt days upon days of feeling bad. I know that there are new kinds of bad feelings that await me in life, but it's not like I haven't experienced anguish.
From what I said earlier, you can assume my best friend had a great time in High School. So he was very used to feeling good all of the time; always having people like him and want to be around him, just always being able to feel good about himself. When you go to a college 3 hours away from your friends and family, and most people are stand-offish, and the realization that your life is completely changing hits you, I'm not surprised that a person would have a mental breakdown. I would. But the difference between people like me and people like my best friend-is that I would have expected it. But I just don't understand who's better off. I haven't experienced happiness as this version(Version meaning maturity level) of myself, but he has. But my optimism is also at a grander scale than his is. I know that things can always get better, that nothing that happens for me is the end of the world. This is where I start to get confused. Why am I so unhappy then? Is it because the optimism isn't enough? Maybe wanting too much in my life weighs down the optimism. That would make sense. Because in reality, everything I think about is in a grander scale than most. I spend the majority of my time thinking about my dream future and writing and my purpose in life. I know that this is what made the past couple of years difficult for me, but I still can't understand why it's made it so difficult for me. (I think I'm writing like a robot, but I'm tired and this is one of those posts where I'm writing exactly the way I think because I'm actually writing about my personal life.)
I feel like entering college is that time period in your life when whatever mental state you were in previously (Whether it was euphoria or depression) just doesn't matter. You're not guaranteed happiness or unhappiness, no matter who you are, what your personality is, or where you came from. Every possibility is just hanging in the air.
I wanted to help him make the decision of what to do, but there are so many variables it's ridiculous. And my mind is terrible at computing complication. Figuring out what college I wanted to go into in Manhattan was one of the most difficult and emotionally draining decisions I've had to make(What made it so difficult was the task of figuring out where I would live, while not wanting to put my parents and myself into debt), there was a 2 month period where it was almost always weighing on my mind. And now suddenly everything is up in the air for him again, it isn't easy when suddenly everything you thought you wanted goes up in shambles. But if I were him, I would just stick it out at the upstate school, because I would regret not doing so. For me, another possible 4 months of unhappiness wouldn't be the end of the world, because at the end of it, at least I would be proud of myself for trying and putting myself out of my comfort zone. But I could tell how terrified he was of the depths. Of feeling completely alone, miserable, and worthless. I could feel his fear. Because of this, I knew that it was very possible for him to stay home and ease into college and be happy with himself.
Strangely, this conversation made me realize how confident I am in my own college plans. I didn't let anything or anyone stop me from moving to Manhattan. I worked hard, I went through a lot of emotional shit, and I wanted to start the next chapter in my life in the place I've dreamed of living. That's it. I made the decision with my happiness as the only factor in it. And I still feel the same way about it. Although for the past month the scenario that I'm going to be a friend-less, boyfriend-less loser, with writing as my only friend has played itself in my head constantly-I could never picture myself being as unhappy as I am right now or ever have been in a city that always makes me feel good. And I still would have writing, which is very comforting to me, and I'm grateful for that. Not that writing can replace living, breathing human beings...alright lets not,before I have a panic attack thinking about it.
One thing that really stuck out to me tonight, and triggered the alert in my mind that said "You should write when you get home." is when my best friends dad asked me what I think he should/is going to do. I said "Whatever makes him happy." and he said "Nothing will ever make him happy. You could give him the world on a silver platter and he would still want more." He didn't say it in a nasty way, just in the adult-that-thinks-their-child-expects-too-much way. My dad would say something similar about me, I get this adult point of view. I've talked about how our generation wants a lot from our lives, some expect it to come more easily than others do. Our parents(at least partially) think that we are the kids who just expect things to come to us.
This simple statement made me think so much. It made me realize even more-so just how complicated happiness is. My best friend wants a lot from his life and expects a lot from his life. He knows that his future is going to be successful, because he wouldn't let otherwise happen. This same statement can just as well go for me. Were both always going to want more though. His more doesn't cause him the agony as mine causes me. My want for more is substantial. Maybe in college, our more's will be similar. He'll want his future just as much as I have for the past 2 years. All I've been trying to do is to not live in the present, to alleviate my depression, but it's always been a short-lived fix. There's only one word for happiness, and there's a reason for that. You can be happy when your 17,28,45 and 86-because they're all happiness. If there's ever a moment when you think "I'm happy." then you were. You can't take that away from yourself. You may think your happiness when your 28 is better than the happiness you experienced at 17, but 17 year old you was happy, and that's all that matters.
This post is almost disgustingly long.
I hope this didn't sound like I was on a drug trip.(I don't do the whole mind-altering substance thing) Yet this is one of those moments where my mind is so lucid it's scary.
I didn't read over this before posting it, because it's too long and this took me an hour and a half to write and I'm so tired. If this makes absolutely no sense I'm going to have to edit it tomorrow.
I don't know why I'm writing this explanation but this post feels like it's important to me. Or it's going to be important to me. Or both. It feels different from other things I've written. I don't know why it feels like this, but hopefully I do at some point in my life.
If you read all of this I owe you a high five.
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