I feel like I ask myself this question 500 times a day, "What matters?" I would think that the person who is so passionate about something that it almost becomes unhealthy, is most likely to be more successful in it. But what about the gray area? There are so many different aspects of success, which of them is the one that means something? Is it being passionate about something outside of High School? Is it having a lot of friends and easily getting along with people? Is it getting a job, or being a great driver? Is it getting straight A's? What about being a good person? Why is being a good person never something people measure as an accomplishment? Why are we taught at such a young age, to forget about who we are and who we want to become,and focus on being successful at a bunch of bullshit? Who wins in High School? I can never seem to figure it out. Can't I just say that everyone is a loser, so I can stop feeling like one?......
I feel like High School is such a messed up reality, I'm so tired of adults saying that the real world is going to be this huge wake up call. High School probably makes less fucking sense than anything else. People are expected to be miserable,tired and complaining all of the time. The same people continue to get boyfriends and girlfriends over and over again, when the people who hopelessly want one get nothing. And you can be such a nasty, negative person and still get things other people dream of. THIS IS ALL HAPPENING, ALL OF THE TIME. At least there is a level of maturity expected outside of High School. Inside, it is a free-for-all of not thinking before you say or do anything. And I understand that the world is not "fair", and it's harsh, but I'm not exactly sitting inside of a bubble that is reflecting all of the bad in life off of me. The pain still gets in. Wake-up call to adults: I am a teenager, and I am allowed to feel legitimate emotional anguish.
Because of the messed up reality of High School that I described, I have no idea how to measure success in it, or predict who is going to be successful when they leave it. Maybe I should just stop worrying about it, and make sure I go after what I want when I leave. Maybe there is no point in wondering who is successful and who isn't, because the only person's success who matters in my own. I just have to believe that I'm doing okay and that I'm doing my best, because I know that I'm at least trying. What I'm actually trying to do with my life and my being, is something I don't completely understand yet.
I'm so tired of worrying that only thinking about the things that I think "matter" is going to fuck me over because I don't like wasting my time on the things that are "supposed" to matter. What if being completely consumed by my writing is a joke? What if constantly trying to work on myself and improve myself as a person means nothing? I feel as though these are the two most important aspects of myself, and what if they amount to not getting my definition of success?
The funny thing is, I don't believe these questions, and I'm glad to be able to say that. These are the things that I believe are important, and I'm going to continue to believe in them regardless of what I'm "supposed" to care about. Sometimes you have to ask yourself the terrifying questions, to understand that you have more faith in yourself than you realize.
I came across your blog through Twitter. I don't mean to be creepy or anything, I just wanted to offer you some words of advice as one who successfully survived high school and college. I even taught 12th grade in Philly for a year after I graduated.
ReplyDeleteHigh School sucks. It's confusing and you're trying to figure out who you are, who you want to be, and who others want you to be. However, the "real world" is actually quite a wakeup call. It is only because you're finally given this freedom to do what you want. You're thrown into the fire and the ones that are successful are the ones that have already figured out that success isn't measured by how many friends you have, how many sports you play, how many times you raised your hand in class, or how many designer purses you own.
The people who have lots of boyfriends/girlfriends only do so because they don't understand the concept of love. It's a status symbol for them. It seems like these people (including the nasty people) are the ones that always win, but they're not winning anything. You can be named Prom Queen/King, but you haven't won anything other than a meaningless title. It won't get you into the college of your dreams, a great job, a husband/wife, kids, or a fancy car.
I'm 25 and I graduated high school almost 7 years ago. The most popular kid in school got kicked out of college, has 2 kids by two different women, and is working at the local pizza joint. See, he thought success was measured by how many women drooled over him. The most popular girl (the Prom Queen, and also an absolute raging bitch) has already been married and divorced twice at the age of 25 and is basically doing nothing with her life besides searching for husband #3. She thought success was measured by how many fake friends surrounded her at a time.
You'll come across the same kind of petty people and inflated expectations from your parents and/or professors in college. You have to block that out and realize that it's YOUR life and YOU have to be happy with yourself. You're only as successful as you allow yourself to be. No one else can measure it for you.
Also (this comment is a novel in itself - sorry about that), I'm an artist. Do you know how many people told me it was a bad idea to pursue art? I got everything from "you'll never make any money" to "art is stupid and meaningless" from my high school teachers and friends. My parents were supportive, but it didn't drown out all the other naysayers. And you know what? I am so happy I did it anyway. It's what I love, just as writing is what you love. You have to believe you're good at it and that you can make it, otherwise you really won't. Half of what makes someone successful is talent. The other half is being really good at bullshitting. You have to convince people you know what you're doing even if you don't. You have to have faith that somewhere inside of you, there's a part that actually does know what the hell is going on and then you'll not only convince your critics, but you'll convince yourself.
SO, to summarize my extremely long lecture (which might be approaching the length of your actual post at this point):
Don't worry about the assholes around you. Just be kind to everyone and if they're not kind back, keep walking. If they don't believe in you, go elsewhere. You keep trying until you achieve your goal. If that means taking your book to 100 publicists, so be it. You never give up on your dream. And you certainly don't let high school change your mind. It'll be over soon enough.
I hope this didn't sound like I was preaching or anything. I just wanted to let you know that the most amazing part of your life is yet to come. Just do your best and take every criticism with a grain of salt.