I am more sensitive than most people would realize. On most days, I am like a fucking sponge. Every word, every look, every action someone forces upon me is taken in. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, has a meaning with me. I didn't even admit to myself until recently, that this is nothing other, than being a sensitive teenage girl. This is why usually I don't feel like a human being. I feel like I can just see my brain, and it has all of these pores in it just soaking everything in(This mental picture grosses me out immensely for some reason), maintaining the lunatic I am and turning me into more of one. All I do is fucking think. I cannot stop thinking to save my life. I really hope I never have to go to jail, or one of those padded cells, because if you can think yourself to death, I would do it. I would keep thinking, and thinking and give myself so much anxiety; that I would just have a heart attack and die (In reality, I'd hope that if I was ever in one of those situations, I'd be able to use the time to write like a machine and actually publish a book, unlike whatever this is that I'm trying to do now..). And it doesn't matter where I am, or what kind of situation I'm in, my brain doesn't care about being appropriate. I can be eating a burger and fries, in the midst of a physics test, or skiing down a mountain-my brain will never cease to try and have a deep conversation with itself. I don't know why my mind does it. To keep itself entertained or busy? Because it feels good? For the sheer pleasure of fucking with me? Who knows, honestly. Isn't the human mind supposed to be the most powerful thing on this planet, more intelligent than a computer? I don't think you could read all of the psychology books in the world and be able to understand it.
My brain may drive me completely insane, but at least it keeps me stimulated. I definitely feel far from a vegetable, and my thoughts rarely feel clouded. So, I suppose this is a positive thing. Something I should be grateful for...right?
I swear this is so me. I'm so effing sensitive & my brain just won't quit unless I'm exhausted. Not tired but EXHAUSTED. I do not know how to make it stop. But yes it is positive. And it is something to be grateful for because some of the greatest people who ever lived never stopped thinking...and look what they came up with. So you don't EVER stop thinking because look at what you can come up with...unique writing.
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