It's not that I'm ungrateful for everything in my life; I'm just a human being. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm supposed to be happy when I'm not. We're all supposed to be happy-isn't that the meaning of living? Happiness is such an expected thing, and yet when you actually get to know and observe people, you realize how unhappy a lot of us are. I see so many people feel unfulfilled in their lives, and it really saddens me to realize it.
As many people as I see that are unhappy, I wonder if there is anyone who could actually lessen it or not, with a few changes to how they reacted to people and situations. Personally, my unhappiness is...I don't even know. Recently I've been able to keep my head up, I feel like there's some kind of force holding me up. It's better than nothing. At least I'm not in agony anymore. I used to be, overwhelmed by being forced to be focused on so many things I hated. I still hate myself for being unhappy, honestly. I just can't give myself a break for it. There are so many people with such worse problems than I have, and I'm uncontrollably unhappy-I can't even explain how that thought makes me feel about myself. I'm unhappy, because I feel unfulfilled in my life. Because I want to do something great now, and I just can't fully commit myself to it. I don't like what I'm supposed to be focused on, and that's that. My dreams and my life are pushing at each other with such strong force; this is what eats at me.
I just see so many people let themselves become unhappy because of such petty things. If you initially go into living your life with a negative outlook on everything, then you're going to be a miserable person no one wants to be around. I may not be in the best of moods, but I'm not trying to spread my displeasure to others, because that isn't fair to them. This is why High School sucks so much, because were all expected to hate this place. Most people don't see it as a problem to complain frequently, because no one is going to disagree. If we all just tried a little harder to make each other feel good, even when were in this hell, maybe it wouldn't feel like hell anymore.
Today I recited a poem for English called "The obligation to be happy". Obviously the title is what drew me in. I'm not a huge fan of poetry, but this struck a chord with me. When I was finished reciting it, my English teacher asked me, slightly jokingly, "Allison, do you feel the obligation to be happy?" I lightly laughed and said sure.
What was I supposed to say? "I feel the obligation to be happy every second of the day. Even when I don't realize it, it's there, and I'm living it. I think everyone feels the obligation to be happy, and a much smaller number of people actually are-and I hate knowing that."
I truly hope someday I'll be able to be happy, and I know that the only way I'll be able to do it is by trying to help other people find happiness within themselves. I want to lessen the amount of unhappy human beings in this world, because knowing how many of us are out there hurts too much...
And this is why I write.
great stuff again, ali. very impressed.
ReplyDeleteas for a tiny bit of feedback, i think that happiness is often in retrospect. as in, 'wow, i have only just realized how happy i was at that time!'
just like most other things in life, it happens when you least expect it.
i think that we spend way too much time trying to feign happiness, and it comes off fake. if you're not happy, don't worry about faking it. remember to be kind to other people, but don't worry about trying to chase happiness.
happiness happens. to everyone.
take care!! xoxox
-fletch