On Benzos

I have had a convoluted relationship with klonopin ever since it was prescribed to me the Summer of 2016. I had finally decided I wanted to get back on the horse of trying to be medicated, after a couple of painful attempts. I had given up on it for a couple of years, after a bad bout with Effexor and the hellish months that preceded me trying to get off of it. I was looking for that good anti-anxiety shit that I've needed probably since I was 16, so I asked, as you do, as sheepishly as I could, "Could I be prescribed something like xanax?" She suggested klonopin instead. When I first started taking it, I was honestly amazed. I couldn't even believe I could feel this way. I could feel...good? Hopeful, motivated. Not dragged down by all of my negative feelings pulling at my heart. I could go on job interviews without losing my mind in the process. I could be impressive and charming and relaxed.

After 4 years though, that shit gets a little complicated. Trying to walk the fine line from "as needed" to a dependency. It doesn't hit like it used to (The sad reality of all drugs..of many things in life.) But it can still give me a couple of hours of relief when my depressive symptoms become too excruciating, and I can't imagine how I am going to function. They also help me clear the clutter in my mind that stops me from being able to do things, because I'm so bogged down by my anxiety, wondering what to do first, what is important, why I do these things at all. I don't think I'm using them for the right thing anymore, for panic attacks is I guess originally what they are intended for. This current phase of my life hasn't been a big "panic attack" stage. Usually those are triggered by demanding full time jobs, job-interview related stresses. What I am more familiar with experiencing is what I'd like to call "emotion attacks" - when I am overcome with emotion because of depression or anxiety or something that has actually happened to me that I find emotionally devastating. Cannot stop crying on and off for hours on end; when it feels as though I am bursting at the seams and there is no off button for it. 

I am trying to not be dependent upon things, because it feels like chasing your tail after awhile. I would like to create a life I don't feel the need to escape from through substances, controlled or not. It is a big goal for me, but I know it will be a long road. To not want to shove martinis down my throat when someone is rude and patronizing to me on a work call. To not want to be stoned to numb the pain of heartbreak. To not chew a klonopin in an attempt to numb all of my annoying, relentless, uncomfortable feelings. Trying to dull my emotions to make my life "easier." I don't want to be this person, always looking for a crutch. I want to find solace in myself, in my passions, in the things I believe could give me genuine fulfillment. I aspire to be the only drug I'll ever need.