I like myself.

                I really do like myself. And I don't think I'm supposed to. Teenage girls aren't supposed to have confidence or self-worth. I know self-worth is such a difficult feat, something that needs to be worked on...but at the core of it all, I like myself. It is that simple.
                It's supposed to take years for me to get to this place. I'm supposed to search for worth in a number of miscellaneous boys, and friendships that never would have worked out, but I desperately wanted to work out- I'm supposed to have been looking for worth in all of these places besides myself. But I haven't. I've taken the time to really listen to myself. I have friends who love me and show me they want me to stick around, I don't have to beg for their time, because they want me in their lives. They know who I am and they consistently care about me, regardless of what I do. Even if we don't speak for weeks or months, I know they're still there. It's the most comforting thing in the world, and something I know I'm extremely lucky to have.
              I know that things can and will change, but despite the instability life has to offer, this is one of the few feelings I don't think will ever change. It's something in my core, something unshakeable.
               I was talking with my friend on my fire escape the other day, and we got into a talk of just digging into shit, and she said "How can we expect anyone to love us if we don't love ourselves?" I wanted to agree with her, because I don't want to be that bitch who's like "I'm in love with myself!" but I couldn't agree. I believed in that for awhile, for most of my teenage years, but recently I've realized it isn't true. At least for myself. I told her that I really do like myself, in hopes that she would realize that she likes herself too.
              I know that people may not like me. I'm positive it happens all of the time. I look mean or shy or angry or whatever other negative trait I could be assumed to have. I get it. Boys may not return my affections, and people who I want to get close with may not want to get close to me, and people who interview me for a job may just not find me appealing enough. This world is focused a lot on the external. I understand that; it can't exactly be changed. But despite the rejection, I still like who I am.
              We automatically think that the issue is us, but it isn't us- it's just how we present ourselves. The person you are internally is rarely going to be the exact same person that people see. Humans are not that simple. And for some people it is harder to express who they are than for others. And sometimes, even if we get vulnerable with someone and let ourselves be shown, they just might not reciprocate, or understand where we're coming from. We're not meant to click with everyone. There are so many people in this world, all so extraordinarily different; and I think we forget that. Just because we're the same age, go to the same school, want the same job, or live in the same state- doesn't mean we're meant to be best friends or soul mates. Those kinds of relationships aren't easily found.
             We always think it's us..it's our fault..and it's sick that we do that. Getting to know someone for who they really are is a privilege. It takes time to do so, and it also takes time for you to figure out how to express what you want to externally. It is a process, like most things. Something that is complicated and can't be rushed, because it changes for every single person you talk to.
             The other funny thing in this society, is that being pompous is easily mistaken for simply liking yourself. People are not allowed to like themselves. It comes off wrong. It makes people hate you and not want to be around you. But why do we give a shit? I'm supposed to make myself feel inferior to every person I meet so they aren't irritated by me? You aren't with me when I go home, or when I'm trying to fall asleep at night, and it's only me and my thoughts- and I can't help but despise myself. You have trained me to think I'm lesser than others, because it looks bad if I actually love myself. Why should I let you do that? Why would I give you that power? You don't deserve it.
             In the end...the person I'm with all of the time...I like her. I've gotten to know myself very well, because I've put in the effort to do so. We think that we automatically know ourselves because we live in our body and in our mind- but we forget that there are an endless amount of things in this world that can distract us from simply talking with ourselves, listening to our gut, and figuring out what the fuck it is that we care about. Listening to yourself is the best thing you can do, hating yourself is the worst. You need to try to be on your side, even when it's hard.
            You are the only person in the universe who knows every single thing you have felt or experienced, and more than anything, you deserve to feel proud of yourself and love yourself for getting through all of it.